Doctor Grumpy in the House

So as everyone knows, Craig, his hair, and I had to fly to San Diego last weekend for various reasons. But, while there, we got to do a few things around town.

Namely, his inexplicably favorite place on Earth, Legoland.

They've done up Lego Miniland with ghost figures for Halloween. Maybe it's just me, but I think they look more like something out of a plastic KKK rally.






Throughout Legoland they were constantly blasting Halloween music: Monster Mash, GhostBusters, and oddly, The Time Warp. Yes, the Time Warp. Because nothing says family entertainment like music from a flick that featured extraterrestrial transvestites, multipartner sex in a pool, an axe murder, and cannibalism.

Like KISS, what was a sign of moral decline in the 1970's is now benign family fare. By the time Craig brings his kids here Jenna Jameson will be on the same pedestal as Carol Brady and Shirley Partridge.



We even saw my MIL at the park.






And, as always, I stopped to marvel at one of my idols, made out of Lego's.





We spent the afternoon there, and as we headed out at closing time, Craig wanted to stop and look around the Lego store near the park's entrance.

BIG. MISTAKE.

As we walked into the store, I thought it was really hot inside, as the air was moving and twisting like a heat mirage. Upon getting closer I realized it wasn't a mirage, but millions of humans, like the entire population of southern California, all crammed into an 8,000 square foot retail store. It looked like people would consume all the oxygen in the room before they could buy anything, but the open doors kept a continuous ocean breeze coming.

Picture this: An amusement park packed with Lego-crazy chidren, many of them in Halloween costumes. And now they're all being funneled to the exit, past the same Lego store. Naturally they're all going to want to stop inside (which is, of course, why the park is designed that way). So the place is insane. It made black Friday and 3rd world bazaars look like peaceful, orderly affairs. The noise was like a packed stadium during 3rd down & long.

As soon as we got in Craig and his hair vanished, disappearing into the mass of humanity, and only reappearing when he had the question "Can I have this?" (which applied to pretty much everything in the store). I felt bad for the staff, who were horribly outnumbered, and who after closing would have to rebuild the shelves from kids randomly moving merchandise from it's original location.

After the vampire at the counter sucked the green corpuscles out of my wallet, we headed to the car. On the way we passed a poster featuring Lego Star Wars characters. And, to my horror, Craig yelled "DAD! LOOK! His head is a penis!!!"





Back at the hotel Craig went swimming while I worked on my computer. They were serving a light dinner, and at one point I went in to get something. Craig wanted some cookies, so took my key-card and went in ahead of me... then let the door close behind him as he disappeared into the serving area.

Leaving me locked outside.

I knocked. No one answered. After a few minutes he showed up, with a plate full of cookies, and asked me why I hadn't come in with him.

Gotta love kids.

When someone steals your marijuana stash, don't call the police to report it as "stolen jewelry."

Thank you, Nathan!

It's been a few months since I had time to collect and publish some of the horrifying bullshit artisanal pictures you guys have been sending in, but I promise I'll get around to it.

In the meantime, here is an awesome site by a kindred spirit who hates the word as much as I do.

Enjoy!

Thank you, YellerDawg!

At the start of her appointment today Mrs. Married said her husband was running late, but would be coming to the appointment. So I told Mary to send him back when he got here.

A few minutes later he shows up.

She introduced him as "this is my late husband."

I'd like to thank Dani for sending me this bizarre chest X-ray report.

Who says chivalry is dead?

Thank you, Lee!

Mr. Singsing: "I'm allergic to Oxycontin."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happens when you take it?"

Mr. Singsing: "I have no idea, but I woke up in jail."

I'd like to thank Kate, for sending in this item. It was in the Police Records section of her local paper today.

"Doc, I'm 77 this year. Last year I was 76. Next year I'll be 78."

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Reverend Bully: "Yes, this is Reverend Bully, and I need to make an appointment."

Mary: "Okay, what's your insurance?"

Reverend Bully: "Major Illness HMO."

Mary: "Okay, we'll need a referral from your internist, but let me schedule you... We can see you on Friday, at 11:00."

Reverend Bully: "I need to be worked in today."

Mary: "Okay... we don't have anything today. Did your internist speak to Dr. Grumpy about this?"

Reverend Bully: "No, but God told me I needed to be worked in today."

Mary: "All right, but..."

Reverend Bully: "This is God referring me! You can't say no!"

Mary: "Okay, then have God either fax us a referral or talk to Dr. Grumpy personally."

Just remember folks: when burglarizing a store it's always important to sign out of your Facebook page before leaving the scene.

Also: when going door-to-door to show off your winkie, you shouldn't display the goods at the local police chief's house.

Mr. Hedbutt: "Where'd you to go college, doc?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Big State University."

Mr. Hedbutt: "Really?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. Why?"

Mr. Hedbutt: "I'm surprised. Usually Dr. Concierge, my internist, knows better than to refer me to you public school people."

I'd like to thank my reader, Rose who brought this drug ad to my attention. And Webhill, for her suggestions.


I'm not trying to make light of IBS, or patients with it, but let's face it. This ad could have been done better.

I have a nice young lady in my practice who, as far as I can tell, has only made one major mistake in life. She fell in love with, married, and had kids with Mr. Dumb. He later decided he'd rather be a crackhead, and dumped his family in favor of the excitement of living on the street and smoking crack.

So Miss Nicelady heroically soldiers on, dealing with single Mom stuff. She was awarded child support from Mr. Dumb. Unfortunately, this only gets withheld from his paycheck on the rare occasion he's actually working. So it amounts to $20-$30 once every few months, when he finds temporary work as a dishwasher.

So at her appointment today I asked her how things were going. She paused, and then began laughing.

2 months ago she suddenly began getting steady money from his child support withholding- $100 or so every 2 weeks. She was thrilled, and didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Until one night, when some guy she'd never heard of called to see why she was stealing HIS money!

Get this:

Mr. Dumb, trying to get crack money, sold his identity (Social Security Card, Driver's License, etc) to Mr. Dumber for $50.

Mr. Dumber, now hiding under Mr. Dumb's ID, went off and got a job.

And so, when Mr. Dumber began getting paychecks, his salary was withheld and sent to my patient.

Basically, Mr. Dumber paid $50 in order to have $200 a month withheld from his paychecks. How inconsiderate of Mr. Dumb not to have mentioned these minor details to his purchaser.

In addition, Mr. Dumber was also angry at my patient (like it's her fault) because he got pulled over one day, and discovered Mr. Dumb's license was suspended 2 years ago.

Miss Nicelady told me the best part of the whole thing was when Mr. Dumber told her he was going to call the police on her.