Monday, January 22, 2018

Random pictures

Time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in.

First, this picture pretty much speaks for itself:

"You can park by the trash can, Phil, unless there's a shopping cart in the way."

Here's a restaurant's hours from their department of redundancy department:

Then there's this ad for a "spinal reset." Apparently the key to spinal health is growing a series of spikes on your back so you vaguely resemble a stegosaurus. Or Godzilla. Or look like you've been repeatedly impaled by a unicorn. Or narwhal. Or were attacked by a badly malfunctioning ice-cream-cone-baking machine.

Then there's this sign, for those who've been afflicted by a bootie cootie (thank you, ER's Mom, for that awesome phrase):

And finally... I don't understand this at all:

Friday, January 19, 2018

Seen in a chart

Wednesday, January 17, 2018


Mr. Snow: "Boy it's freezing out there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, even just walking from my car to the elevator was bone-chilling."

Mr. Snow: "How does he handle it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Who? Dr. Pissy? His space is closer to the elevator."

Mr. Snow: "No, your fish. Ed, or whatever his name is."

Dr. Grumpy: "Ed doesn't go outside. He's been in that same spot for almost 20 years."*

Mr. Snow: "Yeah, but I imagine the winter must bother him somehow, like seeing snow out the window. He must get cold in here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Nah, he's fine. The indoor temp here is pretty much the same year-round."

Mr. Snow: "That's weird. I mean, my dog can't stand to go outside when it's this cold. I figured your fish would be the same."

* Ed is not a Betta of unusual longevity. It's just been easier over time to name all of them Ed.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Breaking news

From around the planet, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


An unidentified fellow, trying to save money by not paying his subway fare, attempted to jump the barrier at the Covent Garden Tube station.

His plan went horribly wrong when he somehow got his penis caught in the metal gate mid-leap.

Police officers and transportation workers were finally able to free his winkie, but not before he was filmed by bystanders.

Whatever money he was trying to save probably wasn't worth it.


A Russian man, who was "bored," stole a combat vehicle from a military tank-driving school and went for a ride.

During his outing he smashed a car, then lost control of the armored vehicle and crashed through the front of a grocery store. At that point he got out of the car, pilfered a bottle of wine, and ran away.

Police arrested him shortly afterwards, still carrying the bottle of wine.


Local butcher Chris McCabe was trapped inside his store's walk-in freezer when wind blew the door shut behind him. Fortunately, the freezer had an emergency release safety button. Unfortunately, it had frozen solid and couldn't be moved.

Attempts to kick the button loose were unsuccessful.

Keeping a cool head, Mr. McCabe grabbed a frozen, 3 lbs. black pudding and used it to repeatedly smash the button until it loosened enough to allow him to open the door.

He told reporters that “black pudding saved my life, without a doubt.”

Friday, January 12, 2018

11:25 p.m.

Mr. Lung: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy (trying to wake up): "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Lung: "Hi, I'm calling to find out what my PET scan showed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... I didn't order a PET scan on you. In fact, I don't think I've ordered any tests on you for some time."

Mr. Lung: "I know. My lung doctor ordered it, to follow-up on a nodule. But my appointment with him isn't until the morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I don't have the results, and not sure I'd know what they mean."

Mr. Lung: "But I don't want to wait until morning!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then you'll have to call his office and see if he'll tell you."

Mr. Lung: "It's late. I don't want to wake him up."

Thursday, January 11, 2018

No comment

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Seen in a chart

"Gee, how flattering, doc."

Monday, January 8, 2018

January 2, 2018

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Mycelium: "Hi, I have to cancel my appointment for this afternoon. I'm having an emergency!"

Mary: "Okay, do you..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "We went to take our Christmas tree out, and discovered THERE WAS MOLD ON IT!"

Mary: "I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like to reschedule now or..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "You act like this is nothing! THIS IS MOLD! I already called 911, and the girl there had the nerve to tell me mold wasn't an emergency!"

Mary: "Why don't you call me back when..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "I put the tree outside, but the mold may already be taking over my house! Do you know the number for a HAZMAT emergency? I can't find one!"

Mary: "No, I..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "Then can you call 911 for me? I bet they'd take this a lot more seriously if the call came from a doctor's office."

Mary: "I can't..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "OH MY GOD MY DOG IS OVER BY THE TREE! FLUFFY GET IN HERE! I need to go to the vet now!"

The line went dead.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

This brings the gift guide to a close, people, along with the year on the blog. I'm shutting down for 2 weeks and will be back on January 8, 2018. Have a great new year and whatever else you celebrate!

Thank you for reading, commenting, emailing, and giving me a reason to keep doing this! It's a lot of fun!

After years of college, medical school, and residency, most doctors are pretty used to eating ramen noodles. It's THE staple food for the student loans crowd.

But it can be so socially awkward. I mean, some people slurp when having ramen. They SLURP! That can be horribly disturbing for those nearby (I mean, in the cases of the < 1% of ramen eaters who are chowing down on it with someone else nearby).

Fortunately, for a measly $130 (the same price as about 1,000 packets of ramen), you can get this:

What is that? What does it do? Why the hell does it cost $130 dollars?

It's a special noise-cancelling fork for eating ramen noodles (really, I am not making this up). Its audio sensors detect when you're slurping your noodles. It then connects to an app on your phone to make noise to cover up the sound.

I'm still not sure why it costs $130, but assume it's all in R&D, and all the ramen noodles packs and starving students that were needed to test it.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

Is the air in your house too dry? Do you enjoy old Japanese monster movies that feature Tokyo being destroyed? Are you wondering what the hell these two questions have in common?

If you answered "yes" to the first 2 questions (or even all 3), there's now the Godzilla room humidifier!

When it's dry inside, just call on the King of Monsters to remedy the situation with a sustained blast of his legendary atomic breath.

Or to defeat Mothra.


Monday, December 18, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

After you're in the grave, do you still want to be in the groove?

The company Andvinyly can press your (or anyone's, or anything's) cremated ashes into a 33 rpm vinyl record!

"Mom? Is that you?"

You can include a recording of your voice (threatening to haunt them forever if they scratch, warp, or donate you to a thrift store) or any favorite music. You can also have a pet turned into an album for those nights when you miss their barking, meowing, or repeatedly asking for a cracker.

Imagine the looks on their faces when they receive such a unique gift and wonder where the hell they're supposed to find a record player in 2017!

Friday, December 15, 2017

Christmas gift guide, 2017

Are you sick of people coming over to your place for a burger? Do you wish there was some way (short of poisoning) to convince them you really suck as a cook?

Next time you grill up an order of burgers, try using these instead of kosher dills!

Available at Walmart.  Really.

These electric-orange-reddish pickles are made by marinating them in fruit punch instead of brine. One bite of a burger topped with these and freeloaders will never darken your barbecue again!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

How many times have you said, or wanted to say, "I don't give a shit." ?

Yeah, if you're anything like me, you've lost count.

But now you CAN give a shit! A nice, big, bucket of it!

This educational product contains not 1, not 2, not 3, but 13 different replicas of shit from commonly encountered critters of the North American wilderness.

That's right, folks, you get: cougar, striped skunk, opossum, domestic dog, cottontail rabbit, gray fox, white tailed deer, turkey, black bear, bobcat, elk, and coyote.

So the next time you want to tell someone you don't give a shit, you can nicely tell them you do, and even offer them their choice.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Christmas Gift Guide

This is just too awesome not to put up as a gift suggestion.

This delightfully cheery playset includes a narwhal, 4 tusks (which look vaguely like lightsabers, so maybe it's an EP9 character Darth Cetacean) and 3 cute little animals you can impale!

Personally I think they should throw in another impale-ee, one for each tusk.

Exactly how penguins and narwhals encounter each other in the first place, let alone koalas, isn't explained.

For those of you who hate street mimes (hey, who doesn't) there's also The Avenging Unicorn playset.
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